So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
