you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
