I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
