If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
