cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
