i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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