Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
