Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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