Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
