Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
