Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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