Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize