you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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