they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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