I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
