it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
