and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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