There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
