I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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