wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
