Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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