she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
