she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize