I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
