you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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