Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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