someone threw a dead crab at me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You are a genius and a whore.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
