Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
