Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Everything about him screamed your future.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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