My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
