You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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