I cannot find my penis.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
