This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
