Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
