Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
