I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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