NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My ATM looks so different sober.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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