I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
