Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
