By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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