Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
