So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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