At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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