She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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