ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
