i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
