Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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