So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
