i can't believe i had my finger in that
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
