dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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