How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
