i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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