Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
