It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
