Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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