that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
