...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
