Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
